As I get farther and farther into A Million Little Pieces, I develop mixed feelings for James Frey. I am annoyed that he does not seem to want to make his life better, and yet I really like the progress he is making and his personality when he is not threatened by others. This book looks so deep into the mind and heart of an addict and it really is making me think. So far in this book, James Frey has woken up on an airplane with no idea where he is. His parents take him to a treatment center in Minnesota in the hopes that he can get over his extreme addiction to drugs and alcohol. At first, James does not want to be there at all and has a really hard time adjusting. He visits a doctor and learns that if he continues using, he will die within a few days. James goes to a dentist to fix his teeth from when he fell down two stories while drunk and high. At the dentist, James has a cavity filled and a double root canal, all without any pain medication. It is a very disturbing scene to read about because James Frey does an excellent job of retelling his pain. Through it all, one is able to see James' view of rehab changing slowly but surely, and it is very reassuring to the reader who can only hope that James changes the way his life is going.
One thing that really stood out to me in this section is James' desire to look into his own eyes. It is commonly said that eyes are the windows to one's soul, and James wants to see his soul. He says, "I want to see my eyes. I want to look beneath the surface of the pale green and see what is inside of me, what's within me, what I'm hiding. I start to look up but I turn away. I try to force myself again," (Frey 32). Through this section, I felt James' suffering. I think he wants to see what is in him, but he is so afraid of the horror he will find he cannot force himself to look. I feel so sorry that someone has had such a hard and difficult life they are unable to look back at it. I really hope that James is able to make ammends with his previous life and can be proud of the person he is. Not only does James have a hard time loving himself, he has a hard time believing that anyone else loves him. After talking to his parents, James writes, "I hang up the phone and I stare at the floor and I think about my Mother and my Father in a Hotel Room in Chicago and I wonder why they still love me and why I can't love them back and how two mormal stable people could have created something like me..." (Frey 44). I felt so bad for James after I read this. To think that one does not deserve love shows how far a person has fallen. Through this quote the reader sees how much James hates himself if he thinks that he is not lovable, even to his own parents. Maybe his feelings that he doesn't deserve love leads play a part in his addiction. I think he hates himself so much that he doesn't care if he dies, he just wants to feel the high from the drugs and alcohol. I am so sorry that James hates himself. I think that one of the important parts of James' recovery will be him seeing himself as loveable which will give him a reason to keep living and stop using.
James Frey writes so passionately about his experience in rehab, that I cannot help but feel attatched to him. He writes about all of his inner fears and doubts, and I hope he can get over these things and recover. I cannot help but cheer him on in his fight against addiction.
Source
Frey, James. A Million Little Pieces. New York: Anchor, 2005.
*A Million Little Pieces should be underlined, but BlogSpot won't let me
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3 comments:
A Million Little Pieces sounds really interesting, and reading your posts has made me want to read the book.
The quote that you included about James wanting to see into his own eyes made me think that, in addition to not wanting to see his true self, perhaps he doesn't really understand himself. Gaining a stronger sense of who he is might help him overcome his addiction.
I also agree that it is sad that James feels unlovable, but I understand this feeling, too. If I had severe drug addictions and was in danger of dying from them, I would probably feel undeserving of help because of the mistakes I had made. Your post makes me wonder how James began his addiction.
You say that he writes so passionately about his experiences, but throughout reading your post I couldn't help but keep thinking about how his story might not be completely true. I barely believed what he said about wanting to look into his soul; I just didn't feel the honesty that you did, Hannah. Maybe my resentment towards him is unreasonable, but it's hard to avoid, knowing that he wrote such a deep story that might not be genuine at all.
After reading this, I too feel bad for James. I know that it is his fault that he started his addiction, but most of the time, after a while, it is next to impossible to end addictions without help. At a the point where James is right now, I feel bad for him because he is so far into his addiction that he is days away from death. The doctor says that if he doesn't quit within a few days, he will die. This shows how severe his addiction really is, if death is in the near future.
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